- Hey! - MAN: Whoa!
- I'm back. - I don't care.
PETE HOLMES: I didn't mean to break up with you
on a street corner. Sorry.
I kinda felt it that time.
Congrats on being a human being.
PETE: Even getting an audition at The Cellar
is a really, really big deal.
The right people see me,
maybe I tour, maybe I open for somebody.
- MC: Pete Holmes! - (AUDIENCE CHEERS)
- You guys pee in the pool? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
It is one of the truest acts of freedom
to stand three feet away from a stranger, just like,
- "What's going on?" - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Thank you, Cellar! Whoo! Thank you.
(SINGING) That was a good set.
You're not ready. I have plenty of white guys
talking about nothing.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERS)
I was on a train once, man, and, uh,
this kid hopped on the train with a box of candy.
And he looked at everybody and was like, "Hey everybody!
My name's Reggie.
I'm raising money for my community center... I am.
It'd mean a lot if you just, you know, help me out,
with whatever you got, it would mean a lot.
Man, no one gave him any money, nobody.
I know, it's pretty sad!
Honest kid, trying to make a living, you know?
And he was doing something charitable, right?
And that's when he got mad.
He was like, "You know what?
I could be out killing y'all, but I'm not!"
And then everybody pulled out money.
They were like, "All right, you can have it."
And he was like, "Nah, it's too late! It's too late!"
"Nah, the Twizzler Strangler's back!"
- (LAUGHTER) - You had your chance!
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Thank you guys so much
for coming to the latest installment of Dirty Loads.
I'm your host, Russell.
Your next comic coming to the stage is hilarious.
You probably seen him around the city.
Put your hands together for Solomon Georgio!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Russell, everybody! Give it up for ya host tonight.
Isn't that perfect? Ha!
Ah, first thing you should know about me, uh,
is that I am gay as hell.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you. I'm great at it.
- What's up, man? - How you been?
- What's going on? - Oh, great! How's college life, man?
Good, you know, it was good.
- Yeah, man. - Yeah.
This is you? This is incredible!
This is my show, man. It started off really, really small.
Then, it just grew. Look at all these people.
They brought their own beer, man.
Straight men that don't eat pussy are the gayest thing...
(LAUGHTER)
... in the whole wide world!
You know, since I've been back, it's been...
it's been a little light, you know? I'd love to...
if you have room tonight...
I'd jump up in a heartbeat, you know?
Yeah, I would love to put you on, too,
but I'm completely booked for the whole night, man.
Uh, look, two or three months, I got you, all right?
- Okay. You got my number? - I'll see you around.
- I got your number! - All right, cool.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I know what you guys are saying. "Greg,"
talk about trickle-down economics." Well...
Here's the thing... (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
Hey, Pete!
- Elon Gold. What's up? - Oh. Yeah, hey.
I saw you at The Cellar last night.
Yeah, I saw you. You fucking killed.
It was, like... I can't believe Estee didn't pass you.
That was, like, a solid set.
Wow, thank you.
I'm doing a... I'm doing a gig
that I think you'd be perfect for.
- Yes. I'm open to anything. - Would you?
It's a shul, synagogue. It's a temple event.
- Oh, I'm not Jewish. - They won't care.
They'll like you even more.
But do it. Just e-mail me, and I'll get you the details,
- and it'll be great. - Sure, yeah. I'll e-mohel you.
That's an e-mail where you cut off the subject.
- Don't do that at the show. - I'm sorry.
Mazel!
♪ ♪
Thank you.
I'd bring back, um,
what you left at my place, but, you know...
You didn't have a place.
Yeah, no place. I have a place now.
Mm. That's cool. That's great.
Um, shit, so,
I don't think I told you this, but I'm actually, um,
I'm seeing someone, someone I met at work.
Is he your boss?
No, he's not my boss.
- He's right here. Hi. - Hey, babe.
- How's it going? - Um, ooh!
Uh, Ted, this is my friend, Pete.
Hiya, Ned.
- Yeah, I'm Ted, like the talks. - (ALI CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I've heard of them.
If you guys have a minute, I'd love to just
stand on a red dot,
and tell you about the hidden power of introverts.
He has such a dry sense of humor.
Well, nice to meet you. I'm... yeah.
Pete and I, um, yeah...
Me and Pete, we do comedy together.
- Stand-up. - TED: Oh.
Did you tell him about Seth Myers?
You're doing Seth... Are you doing Late Night?
Yes. Yeah.
- Tell him how it happened. - Oh, um, it was kind of crazy.
I was performing at The Comedy Cellar,
and, um, the bookers were just, like, in the audience.
TED: It was so funny.
- Is that cookie for me? - Oh, for both of you.
Uh, yeah, once I put the cookie on the table,
it's anyone's ball game.
- Are those raisins? - Am I a monster?
- This is a hundred percent chocolate chip. - You!
- I'll see you upstairs? - Okay.
Pete, nice to meet you.
Shit.
I know, he's so great.
Yeah, he's dreamy. I'm talking about Seth Myers.
- You're doing Late Night? - It's not that big of a deal.
- It's a big deal. - No, it's not.
It's huge, and you deserve it.
What's with that jacket? Who gave that to you?
G.I. Joey Fatone?
- We back... ? - On the jacket.
We're back on the jacket, yeah. Yep, yep, yep.
Good, good. Fresh topic. Hot topic.
♪ ♪
Excuse me, uh, miss?
Hi. I'd like to return this jacket.
I'll get the manager.
That's why people shop online.
Why are you returning that?
- Uh, mockery, mostly. - Mm.
Every time I wear it, people make fun of me.
A friend of mine told me I look like
I manage the band Hanson.
I love Hanson.
I also love Hanson.
I don't think that's... Everybody loves Hanson.
- Some people just don't admit it. - Yeah.
Show me someone who watched Hanson and was like,
"What a bunch of tools."
Let me see that on you.
- Right now? - Yeah.
All right.
All right, guys, "Mm-bop" from the top.
That's a good jacket.
- Really? - It looks good on you. Yeah, it like, suits you.
You should keep it.
- Seriously? - Yeah, I think so.
Just keep it. Yeah.
Don't, uh... I want to try something.
Don't tell me your name.
- I wasn't planning on it. - Yeah, well, good.
- Okay. Okay. - Stay with that.
This is weird. I'm a little bit psychic.
- No kidding. Okay. - Yeah, I am.
Ever since I bought the jacket,
powers have been coming to me.
- Right. - Your, your name... don't tell me...
- Okay. - ... is Linda?
- No. Oh, I'm sorry. - Don't...
- Not till I'm done. - Okay.
Your name is Linda,
your mother's name is Belinda,
and you have two sisters: Flan and Darren.
- You... nailed it. Yeah. - Did I?
It's a gift, it's a curse... It's a gift.
What did you say your name was?
Dan... ? Dank?
- You're guessing my name now? - Yeah. Is it Dank?
- And you're pronouncing it correctly, too. - (LAUGHS)
- Nice to meet you, Linda. - Hi, Dank. Linda.
Do you want to get a coffee with me?
♪ ♪
I don't. I don't normally drink coffee.
- Oh yeah? - Nope.
I run on anxiety.
I hope this isn't a shock, but I'm a... I do stand-up.
- I'm a comedian. - Of course!
No, yeah, I do.
- That's cool! - Is it?
Yeah, that's a really cool job.
I'm not, like, established. I'm sort of...
still grinding it out.
I just did a college tour, um...
I do have a show tonight, actually.
I'm performing at a synagogue, so...
- Cool! - No.
- Not cool? - I said synagogue,
not... there's no word that even
sounds like synagogue that's cool.
What synagogue? What temple are you doing?
- Are you Jewish? - No, but I have a lot of Jewish friends.
- The Jews love me. - What are you, whitefish?
(LAUGHING)
See, I'm trying to write all this Jewish material,
but it just feels racist.
- That one was good. - Okay.
I don't, um, I don't know...
I don't know who I'm having coffee with.
- It's fun, but I don't... - Yeah, we don't know each other's names.
- We don't know each other's real names. - Yeah.
- It is kind of fun, but... - We're living in the tension.
Should we ante up?
Should we say our names at the same time?
- Yeah, okay. - Three, two, one...
- Pete. - Kat.
Pete.
- Similar. - Yeah.
- Hard T sound in the middle. - Monosyllabic.
Wait, I want to see you perform some...
What's your last name?
- Holmes, why? - Do you have stuff on YouTube?
- Well, yeah, but... Can we not? - I want to see you perform.
- Seriously, it's better if... - Don't be embarrassed.
- If you want to come see me... - Don't be embarrassed.
- Just let me... Okay, I'm just gonna choose one. - Okay.
I'm watching one.
Shh! I'm listening.
Okay, great.
- (KAT LAUGHS) - No, no. Be real.
(LAUGHING)
- What are we doing? - We're looking for a dress
for me to wear to a bachelorette party tonight.
- Oh. Fun. - Yeah.
Okay, tell me something else.
- About me? - Uh-huh.
I just met my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend,
- and he's amazing. - Oh, no!
- Yeah. - Was that a serious relationship?
Uh, I mean,
it was the first relationship I had after my divorce,
so it's like my... yeah.
My second relationship ever, so kind of.
- Whoa. How long were you married? - Yeah.
- Seven years. - Who cheated?
She, uh, she did actually. How did you know that?
Well, I'm an actuary. That's a statistic,
and, like, that's my job. You're a statistic.
- No offense. - No, I like being called a statistic.
- What do you mean? - It's just...
Okay, so seven years into a first marriage?
- Yes. - That's infidelity.
Especially if it lines up with the prime reproductive years,
which for women is 25 to 29.
She was... She was 29.
Well, at least she waited till the end.
Dude. Fuck! What? That's nuts!
- Yeah! - That's crazy!
So now my company would give you
a higher life insurance quote,
because divorced men live shorter lives
and so you're higher risk for us.
Oh, great. I have been feeling sluggish.
Don't worry. A guy your age...
you just remarry,
and then you'll be right back at average.
We have a winner.
Will you come help me?
Uh, yeah.
- In there? - Mmm-hmm.
Okay, turn around please.
It's, like, a quick little top.
- What are we doing? - Well, I am trying on a dress,
and in three seconds,
you're gonna come over and help me zip it.
- Ready? - Yeah.
What do you think?
Yeah, that looks amazing.
Yeah?
It's cute, but I think we can do better.
♪ ♪
♪ There's a weight in my bed ♪
Not like I could, but I could give you a piggy-back ride.
♪ Then you said ♪
♪ I don't know you ♪
- That's weird. - What?
I had a dream about a whale last night.
- You're kidding. - No.
You dreamt about a whale and now there's a whale right here?
I mean, it wasn't turquoise. Didn't say, "Sail," but...
That's serendipitous!
That means you're right where you're supposed to be.
Do you believe that?
Let's go.
- Going in the whale store? - Hell yeah.
- Can I? - Mmm-hmm.
- Should I lock it? - I would.
♪ ♪
I don't have a condom.
Oh, okay, I'm okay. Are you okay?
- Yeah, totally, A-plus. - Okay. Okay.
- (THUMPING) - (VOICES MURMUR)
How's it going in there?
Yeah, it fits good. Thank you.
♪ I'm on the guest list down at Paul's Baby Grand ♪
We got some hats.
♪ That hipster doorman, he don't know who I am ♪
♪ But my studied aloofness ♪
♪ Is proof I belong so I pass ♪
♪ I'm leaving Los Feliz ♪
(BOTH MOANING)
(PANTING)
(MOANING)
♪ I'm young enough to know I'm too young to quit ♪
What are we doing?
Don't use words.
- I'm thinking words, I'm thinking words. - Shh! Don't use words.
I'm thinking words right now, I'm defining it.
Don't use words, just, um, use a color.
That was very green.
- You think it was green? - Yeah.
I think it was yellow.
I would love to...
yellow, anytime. Here.
I will green you whenever.
- Great. - Yeah.
♪ ♪
♪ I'm leaving Los Feliz ♪
♪ Day after tomorrow ♪
♪ I'm leaving Los Feliz ♪
♪ ♪
- The food is awful. - Awful. Who died?
Anthrax, they killed this lox with Anthrax.
- It's like a shiva call. - Is that egg salad?
Oh hey, man! Pete, you found us.
I didn't know there'd be food. I ate on the way.
Jewish event. There can't not be food.
Jewish comedy has to follow a feeding. Has to.
And that's Modi, he's the other comedian.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
Should I be wearing the... ?
No. No, they're not paying enough for us to wear yarmulkes.
Hello. I'm Shoshanna Ginsburg, I'm the cochair of the event.
I was the chair last year and the year before that,
but I wasn't even gonna do it this year, but they begged me.
- And you are? - That's Pete.
- He's gonna also do the show. - I'm Pete. Hello.
Oh, well, he told me all about you, Elon did, and, uh,
I'm sure it's gonna work out.
- Is there anything I can get you guys? - A check.
(LAUGHS)
He's serious.
SHOSHANNA: Oh, you guys crack me up.
Well, I'm gonna leave you alone to your comedy.
- Thank you. - Mazel tov.
- For leaving. - Oy.
It's like getting the life sucked out of you before a show.
- It's the worst. - The worst! Ugh!
- She was cochair, you know. - She's cochair?
She should hang herself off a chair.
ELON: Wow, this is just... even fruit they ruin.
- How do you screw up fruit? - It doesn't even look fresh.
- It's not doing it. - Wow.
Why so nervous? Haven't you ever done comedy before?
I... I don't know, I just blew my Cellar audition,
so I don't know if I can take another rejection.
ELON: It's gonna be great, trust me. Modi's gonna go up first.
He's so, like, Jew-y,
you'll be a breath of fresh, gentile air.
- Gentile air... that's the deodorant I use. - Yes.
MODI (LAUGHS): You should use that, that's good.
Be the goy that you are. Don't try to be Jew-y on stage.
- Right, right. Sorry. - (PHONE CHIMES)
- ELON: You're eating this? - I'm gonna have fruit.
What's going on over there?
Uh, nothing.
- MODI: "Nothing." - Nobody says, "Nothing."
Whenever you say, "Nothing," it's always something.
Don't make us beg, just tell us.
MODI: Yeah, what do you got there?
It was a... It's a girl.
- Oh! - Mmm!
- Somebody I met today, actually. - Nice, nice!
- Very nice! And? What happened? - Good for you!
I don't want to kiss and tell. It was just, you know...
- You already kissed her? - We had sex.
- Oh! - In a dressing room.
- What? - Wow.
And then again in a bathroom, on a changing table.
- Two times? - In one day. It's a double shtup.
Oh, my God.
ELON: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You had sex with a girl you met today
- in a dressing room? - Yeah.
I thought you were a religious guy.
I mean, that face is... definitely a little Episcopalian.
I know it seems a little fast, but we...
you know, we really connected. It was...
I don't want to say it was love at first sight, but, you know...
- I'm sure it was. Wow. - ... I think this might be my person.
- You want to take this? - You got it.
ELON: I'm not doing anything with this. I can't handle it.
- Go ahead. - All right. Pete...
I'm glad you had this exciting experience,
this thing that happened that you thought
would never happen to you.
It's exciting, you know?
But the sense I get is
maybe you're just a little bit lost.
- I mean... - ELON: You're all over the place. Pick a lane.
In the moment, you know, it made a lot of sense.
'Cause she played with your balls.
- ELON: That's what I'm talking about. - But... but why?
I don't understand. Why can't I be this guy?
Why can't I do this a little bit?
- ELON: 'Cause you're not... - Maybe I met this girl for a reason.
Right, or maybe you're here with us for a reason.
There's a Hebrew expression, which...
Gam Zu L'Tova,
which means, "Even this is for the best."
ELON: Yeah, like, maybe you took this gig
'cause you got nothing else going on, whatever.
I'm sure you didn't expect to be doing
a shul gig tonight, but, uh...
here you are.
Maybe you need to be having this conversation with us.
Maybe it's God reaching out to you.
No pressure, just be open to it.
RABBI: Okay, if everybody could find a seat, we could get going.
First of all, I want to remind everybody
let's silence your cell phones,
and no flash photography at today's event.
Um, all right, so before we start, uh, today's comedy show,
as many of you are aware, Leon Schwartz passed away
earlier this week from colon cancer.
Uh, his family will be sitting shiva all week at their home.
So who's ready for some comedy?
(APPLAUSE)
I can think of no better way to celebrate Leon's life,
to honor him, but to celebrate and have a few laughs.
Can we do that? I think we can.
Now... now Elon and Modi
were here three years ago,
and people are still talking about it.
So it is my pleasure to welcome them back.
Take it away, Modi!
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS)
Thank you, Rabbi. (CLEARS THROAT)
Colon cancer!
- That's how you bring me up here. - (LAUGHTER)
There goes my colonoscopy joke. Shot to Hell!
And those of you, you know that the laws of burial...
In the Jewish religion when somebody dies,
we bury them right away. Whoosh! In the ground.
There's no messing around. Bam!
It's not gonna get any better, is it?
In Florida, when the old people take a nap, they wake up,
"No! No!
Put the shovel away! What's wrong with you?"
It's, uh... it's wonderful to be here.
Thanks for having me. Obviously, I'm your guest.
I'm not... I'm not Jewish.
I don't know if you can tell by looking at... everything.
- (LAUGHTER) - Just all of this.
I'm six-foot, six. I kind of look like
Goliath if he went to prep school.
Does that make sense?
I see a lot of empty seats.
- Are you all saving a seat for Elijah? Or is that... - (LAUGHTER)
- (CHUCKLES) - He's good.
I do know a lot about the Old Testament,
or as you guys call it,
- the whole story. - (LAUGHTER)
I think we should get along more.
Jews and Christians should get along.
My book is 70 percent your book.
We agree on most of my book.
We just differ on the ending.
(LAUGHTER)
It's like Lord of the Rings. We both agree on Fellowship of the Ring.
We all love the Two Towers.
We just love Return of the King, and you guys are like,
"Wrong king!"
What else? Um...
You guys get a bad rap for being unathletic.
I don't understand that. You've been athletic
for thousands of years.
Moses climbed a mountain to talk to God.
Folks, God is everywhere.
This guy's going on an elective hike
just because he gets a few more bars up in the hills.
That's commitment!
Then God gives him the Ten Commandments.
Does he write it down? No, he chisels it!
In heavy stone!
He made those commandments nice and smooth, baby.
That's a man's man! That takes grit!
And then he hiked down, holding the weights.
That's weight-training, folks. That's CrossFit.
Then he gets down, is he tired? He's not tired.
He still has enough chutzpah to kick over a golden calf.
That's right, chutzpah!
I googled a lot of this.
I kugel-ed it.
(LAUGHING)
Um...
- Oh my God, she showed up. - Oh, wow.
I hope this shul doesn't have a dressing room.
Well, we definitely have a bathroom.
I was honored to get this gig.
It came through an e-mail.
Actually, an e-mohel.
(LAUGHING)
That's an e-mail, but they cut off the subject.
Some people say it's cruel, but it's tradition.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you guys very much. This was wonderful!
I really appreciate it.
Have a good night!
And keep it going for the very funny Elon Gold!
Everybody, Elon Gold!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Here's what I love about Judaism.
Judaism is the only religion
that doesn't try to recruit new members. Yeah.
Probably 'cause we know we can't get any.
I mean, what's the selling point there, exactly, right?
(WHISPERING): Sorry, can I... squeeze in?
ELON: Tired of that excess flap of skin on your schmeckle?
- Hi. - Hey.
- I know. - I thought you had a bachelorette party.
I just wanted to see you.
I wanted to see you live.
Want to stop eating three of the most
delicious foods on the planet?
Bacon, cheeseburgers, and bacon double-cheeseburgers?
Or perhaps you're ready to give up eating altogether,
and would enjoy partaking in one of our numerous fast days?
Well, then, Judaism's just for you.
No, I'm happy to be here, very happy to be here.
- WOMAN: Wonderful. - Thank you, guys.
- Good night. - Thank you.
- Thanks, guys.
So where's your lady friend?
She's smoking a cigarette, I think. I don't know.
I can't believe she showed up.
- Yeah, she surprised me. - Mm.
Good night. Nice to meet you.
- There she is! - Uh-oh!
- My boys! Oh, you were wonderful! - Thank you.
- And, Pete. - Oh.
I think you have a real future in the religious markets.
- Really? - And I know people.
So I'm gonna make a call for you.
Oh, my God, that would be amazing. Thank you.
See? Gam Zu L'Tova,
everything happens for a reason.
- Thank you, guys. - Good times!
- Good, good. - You don't even know how much I needed this.
This... this felt really natural. It was great.
Oh, uh, the rabbi. I spoke to him about you.
- The rabbi? - Yeah, yeah. He's a brilliant guy.
Like, you know, not just religion.
He's studied philosophy, psychiatry.
He's like a spiritual genius.
Anyway, I told him about our conversation, and that you were...
I didn't say, "lost," but I said, I don't know,
- He's "questioning and grappling." - Yeah, yeah.
He said he would love to sit down with you.
When?
Now.
- He wants to talk now? - Yeah.
You should meet with the rabbi. It's a big deal.
It's like getting a table at Il Mulino's.
I think he could give you some clarity.
- Absolutely. - Cool.
- Uh-oh! - Hey, you had a good laugh, Herb?
♪ ♪
So, where is Pete?
♪ ♪
♪ Don't look at me ♪
♪ It's way too soon to see ♪
♪ What's gonna be ♪
♪ Don't look at me ♪
♪ All my life ♪
♪ I never knew ♪
♪ What I could be, what I could do ♪
♪ Then we were new ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ You came along ♪
♪ And made my life a song ♪
♪ One lucky day, you came along ♪
♪ Just in time ♪
♪ Well, I was searching for a rock ♪
♪ You came along, then we were new ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ We can do what we want ♪
♪ We can live as we choose ♪
♪ You see there's no guarantee ♪
♪ We got nothing to lose ♪
♪ Don't look at me ♪
♪ I can't deny the truth ♪
♪ It's plain to see, don't look at me ♪
♪ All my life ♪
♪ I never knew ♪
♪ What I could be, what I could do ♪
♪ Then we were new ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -